Go Ask Andraste
by Extraho Incendia
Summary: The gang gets a little silly after Anders introduces them to an old friend from his circle days.  Rated for substance usage and slightly racy themes.


A/N: No offense meant. If this isn't your thing then I'm cool with that. This just sort of came to me as I was listening to Jefferson Airplane's "Go Ask Alice".

I do not own dragon age or any of its characters themes etc. etc.. Not for profit. Just for fun.

X

X

"Maker Anders what'd you stuff this pipe with?" Carver moves his hand in front of his face in slow undulating waves.

"Andraste's Grace." He grins sloppy. His pupils dilated so big you can hardly see the amber of his iris. "Used to smoke it all the time back in Fereldan."

"You can smoke that?" Varric's voice floats out of the haze that fills the backroom of the clinic.

"You just did." Anders snickers.

"Truly? Do you use the whole plant or just the blooms?" Fenris asks brands flaring briefly as he coughs out several inadvertent halos. They float across the circle to ring Merrill's face. She giggles.

"The whole plant but it has to be the female." He drags the word out giving Isabela an up and down through half-lidded eyes. She lifts a delicately sculpted eyebrow and leans forward placing her elbows on her knees giving him a perfect view of her bosom.

"What happens if you _use_ the male?" She asks tilting her head coyly to the side and licking her lips.

"Blondie?"

"Hmmm? What?" Anders lifts his eyes from her mouth.

"You're drooling all over your boots." Varric takes the pipe as it rotates past and touches the tip of the tinder to the bowl inhaling deeply.

"Ha! Almost got me there but I'm not wearing….When did I put these on?"

"Right after you took off your pants." Hawke offers helpfully holding out a glowing mana ball. The light cuts through the smokiness and Anders stares down at his bare legs.

"Well slap me in a robe and send me to the circle. I'm not wearing any pants."

"It's all right pet. I'm not wearing any either." Isabela purrs.

"Can you two rein in the hormones until the rest of us leave. I mean I like a good show as much as the next guy but you damn near took my eye out last time."

Isabela turns her gaze to Varric. "Maybe you should join in. I can't guarantee your safety but I promise I'll stay away from your eyes."

"Enough with the three of you. We have some very serious business to discuss. That's why I called you all here." Hawke takes a hit off the pipe using his finger to light it. The plant matter filling the bowl flares bright for a second as he inhales. Merrill squeaks throwing a puff of ice at it.

"Thanks love." He says dryly wiping his face with his tunic.

"Sorry. I panicked."

"It's fine."

"That fireball was soooooo big."

"I said its fine Merrill."

"And the thought of all of your beautiful hair singed to ashes and your tattoos all scarred and ooooo are you wearing an earring Anders? How roguish of you. I've always thought that…..

"_Merrill._" Hawke heaves a long suffering sigh.

"I'm rambling again aren't I?"

"Maybe a little. So….does anyone remember what we were talking about?"

"Money?"

"Sex?"

"Money!"

"Sex!"

"Dire bunnies?"

"Please don't anyone say the deep roads. I bloody _hate_ the deep roads."

"Pants! Wasn't someone talking about pants?" Carver takes the newly filled pipe and puts it to his lips.

"Hullo?" They turn as one to face the door. "Hullo? We got a report that there was a fire down here."

"Shit! It's the guard." Anders jumps up and starts waving his hands around trying to dispel some of the smoke. All he succeeds in doing is sending Merrill off into another fit of giggles that leaves her clutching her sides on the floor.

"Anders you in there? It's Donnic. I see smoke. Are you ok?"

"Donnic?" Anders relaxes and moves to open the door.

"Anders?" Hawke calls gesturing wildly.

"It's ok Hawke. It's just Donnic."

"I know but…

Anders reaches for the doorknob. "He's alright he won't say anything."

The door swings open.

"Yes but you're still not….

"Why aren't you wearing pants?" Donnic asks taking in Anders bare legs and booted feet. "And Maker's breath what is that smell?"

"Andraste's Grace. Care to try some?" Carver holds out the pipe.

The room falls quiet.

"Do I have to take off my pants?"

"Please don't. There is already a decided lack of pants in this room." Fenris hurls a glare at Anders back.

"Don't mind him." Anders says ushering Donnic into the room and closing the door. "I don't."

X

"So then the penguin says….he says…." Donnic breaks off snorting though his nose. "But I'm not wearing a hat!"

X

"I stand corrected." Varric says as Fenris twirls a perfect pirouette then slides down into a split that has the other men groaning out loud.

X

"I haven't quite mastered it with four yet." Hawke juggles the fireballs first in a circle then under his leg. Merrill squeaks shooting a puff of ice at him.

X

"And that's not the only thing I can swallow." Isabela hands the sword to Anders reaching under his chin and closing his mouth for him.

X

"That's how Bianca got her name. Isn't it snookums?" Varric rubs Bianca's haft against his cheek.

X

"I love you brother. I know I don't act like it but really I really really do." Carver takes another drag off the pipe and promptly falls flat on his face.

X

"Wings? I don't have wings." Fenris gripes shooting Merrill a dirty look.

"Of course not. You're a boy."

X

"So I smote them all with fire. Leaving nothing but bubbling flesh and smoldering bones. What? Why do you all look at me so? _Fine_." Justice grumps. "I'll fetch Anders."

X

"Anders!" There is a sound like a golem hurling a boulder as Aveline kicks the door.

He jumps to his feet stumbles as his legs tangle with Isabela's. "The clinic is closed right now please come back later." He shoves Hawke with the toe of his boot pointing at Donnic.

"I'm going to give you ten seconds to open this door before I kick it in."

"Do something with him." He says pitching his voice low.

"Like what?"

"One."

"I don't know. Turn him into something."

"Are you serious?"

"Do I look serious?"

"Two."

"I don't know how to do that."

"And you call yourself a Mage."

"Three."

"Why don't _you_ turn him into something?"

"I don't have to prove myself."

"Four."

"Coming. Void take it help me move him then."

"Move him where? There's hardly enough room in here as it is."

"Five."

"You're a fool Anders."

"Not helping elf."

"Six."

"Just…Merrill hand me that blanket."

"Which one? Plain or patterned?"

"Seven."

"I doesn't matter just hand me one!"

"Well you don't have to be rude."

"_Merrill_."

"Well he doesn't"

"Eight."

"Hurry push him under that table. Now cover him up."

"Go get the door I'll handle it."

"Nine."

Anders hurtles over the prone bodies of Varric, Carver and Fenris. He manages to stop himself before he slams into the door. He grabs the knob as Hawke tucks the blanket around Donnic's snoring form. He shrugs.

Anders pulls the door open pasting a grin on his face.

"What happened to your pants?"

"Pants?" He scratches his head.

"Yes. Pants. You're not wearing any."

"I'm not?"

"No."

"Did you need something Aveline?"

"I sent Donnic down here over two hours ago to check on reports of a fire. You haven't seen him have you?" Her nostrils flare as smoke wafts from the room behind him.

"As you can see there's no fire." He laughs nervously.

"I don't believe that's what I asked."

"No?"

"No."

"Oh. Well…"

She pushes past him striding into the room like a queen at court. "What is that smell?"

"Incense?" He offers following her.

"You don't say."

"I don't?"

She scans the room taking in the chairs haphazardly shoved against the wall. The blankets strewn about the floor bodies every which way. "What have the six of you been up to?"

"Staff meeting. Very serious business stuff."

"I see." She picks her way past the lounging forms of her companions. Fixating on the snoring blanket that Hawke is trying very unsuccessfully to hide behind his bulk.

"Evening Aveline."

"Evening Hawke. You haven't seen my husband have you?"

"No?"

"Are you asking me?"

"Asking you what?"

"This is ridiculous. Has anyone in this room seen Guardsman Donnic tonight?"

"Not tonight."

"No."

"I don't think so."

"Absolutely not."

"I have. He's under that blanket."

"Merrill!"

"Did I say the wrong thing again? I'm always doing that."

Aveline glowers at the room in general and Anders in specific before slowly reaching down and pulling the blanket off of Donnic's sleeping form. He snuffles rubbing his nose then turns on his side grabbing for the blanket. His face and chest are covered in red and yellow whorls.

"What in Andraste's name is going on here?"

A snicker floats up from the pile of Varric and Isabela. Anders' foot shoots out connecting with something that produces a grunt. "It's only elfroot and spindleweed. Wash right off. Won't it Hawke?"

"We were just having a little fun. No harm meant. I mean we did Carver too."

"You're all lucky I've finished my shift or I'd be hauling you down to the dungeons." She fixes them each in turn with her best no nonsense glare. "One of you jackasses is going to help me carry him home _and_ clean him up. After you hand over that pipe."

"What pipe?" Anders asks a look of complete innocence on his face.

"The one you were smoking the Grace out of."

"How did you….?"

She snatches the pipe from Anders and passes it under her nose. "You're not the only one who grew up in Fereldan. I'd know that smell anywhere. Now how about you use those magic fingers and conjure me some fire."

"_Captain_." Sloppy smile back in place he lights her a bit of tinder.

"Don't get too excited. You're still on my list." She turns to Hawke pointing with the end of the pipe. "You too. Champion of Kirkwall my ass."

She puts tinder to pipe and takes a healthy pull. Her whole body loosens as she exhales slowly puffing out rings. "Ah, that takes me back."

X

"So then penguin says 'but I'm not wearing a hat'." Varric finishes hands held out in front of him.

"I don't get it." Aveline shakes her head reaching for the pile of pastries. "And what the void is a penguin?"


End file.
